Feeling distinctly lethargic this morning (officially my house-work day) I found myself in work-avoidance mode which lead to the whole 'cause and affect' thing.
Talking on the phone yesterday to one of my brothers he remarked that my recent blogs seem to have lost their humour.
Now while it is true I do attempt to inject a modicum of (slightly perverse) light heartedness into some of my posts, it is not always possible to be the Pagliacci of the blog world.
Mood, energy, sleep deprivation and a few million other unimportant little things all play their part in the "finished" article.
The older I get, the less settled into a pattern I become. I know this is the reverse of what most ageing people appear to experience, but then, this is me, non-conformist to the end.
The day after my --th birthday last year, a well-meaning young volunteer in the church asked me "what did you get for your birthday?"
"Older", I replied.
"No, but seriously what did you get, not even cards, or flowers"? she persisted.
"Oh yes I agreed, a few cards reminding me how much older I was becoming, and, since the one thing I cannot successfully grow is freesias, and since I am of the generation of women who flatly refuse to buy themselves flowers, that was that".
For her, a cause of consternation and amazement, for me just a further, unnecessary reminder of my solitary state.
Don't misunderstand me, this is not in any way a plea for the sympathy vote, simply a statement of the way things are for so many people who have lost spouses, partners or anyone to share their day-to-day lives.
One thing I am becoming more and more certain about is that being on one's own leads to reflections and soul-searching thoughts which would never have found a space in a more fulfilled life.
In my case, naturally lazy and always needing motivation to embark on anything (even house-work), any excuse will do to put off the need for action.
Last night's wonderful Ash Wednesday service at St. M's made me realise just how very fortunate I am in having so many choices still open to me, and further, thinking what I might take on this Lent, realise that while I will and have already given up chocolate, I could aim for something else more positive.
So, while writing this in order to avoid cleaning the house, I have decided that lethargy itself is to be put firmly aside (at least until Easter) and while I will still post my blogs I will not use them as a way of getting out of jobs which need to be done.
So the tone of the blog may change a bit (it's a fine line between pathos and bathos), but at the end of Lent I aim to be a fraction nearer to the person I'd like to be.
Include me in your prayers please, or wish me luck if you will.