Tuesday, 7 July 2020

Scared - Who Me?

Today I ventured out (thanks to my neighbour who gave me a lift), for the first time since 18th March,

To say I was scared stiff is the understatement to beat all understatements, I was terrified!

The mask I was wearing was slowly roasting me and my hands were sweating in the gloves but that was nothing to  my heart rate which was super fast.

Once in the supermarket I was just so intent on the actual shopping that I forgot to be nervous and luckily as it was 4.30pm there were very few people in there, which made it much easier.

It was becoming apparent that if I didn't make the effort to go out I was soon going to be unable to do so, and I'm so glad I did.

If anyone had told me what a terrifying prospect going food shopping would be  back in February I 'd have laughed at the idea.

The huge  change of mind this pandemic has brought about in so many people is astonishing.

One small step for woman.......

Sunday, 28 June 2020

Nature Abhors a vacuum (and so do I)

Some people have 'found themselves' during this period of isolation, discovering new  found skills, doing all the jobs they have been putting off for months or years etc.

I have found just one - that is the art of doing absolutely nothing at all and honing it to unbelievable heights.

I did begin with the intention of cleaning my house from top to bottom as it has never been cleaned before, the more so because my cleaner has not been here since the 2nd March.

My unfamiliarity with my vacuum cleaner (in fact I'd say we were almost total strangers to each other, ) resulted in aching arms, hot sweaty face and a feeling of exhaustion like nothing previously experienced in my very long life.

Every day since 18th March when my prison sentence began has been filled with long periods of drifting followed by short (very short) periods of activity.

Not a total slob, I have showered, washed and cut my hair, washed clothes, changed bed linen etc, but together with the occasional foray into the garden to dead-head or do five minutes light pruning or weeding has been just about my limit.

Twice friends from church have brought their own garden chairs (I have none), and have sat in my front garden while I sat on a footstool in the doorway.  I made them tea and we had a lovely long chat and spirit-lifting hour or so, and I have of course kept in touch with my nearest and dearest by phone, but I have forgotton what most other people look like and only hope we will recognise each other when all this is over.

My next-door neighbours who are still doing all my shopping are now more familiar to me than any other person (and of course greatly valued by me).

Whether I will ever discover hidden reserves of energy or enthusiasm for cleaning my house is a bit of an unknown, but, they do say it's the thought that counts.

And I've thought about it a lot

Monday, 1 June 2020


This picture just about sums up the position we all ought to be occupying if we are still obeying one set of rules.

We are apparently allowed out now, that is, those of us who have been shut in our homes since mid-March.

While one part of me is dying to get back into something like normal, the other, more cautious part is saying "hold on, it really isn't safe out there yet".

I am one of the very lucky ones who have really good, kind caring neighbours who have done all my shopping for nearly eleven weeks.

This has made me eternally grateful, but also very lazy, and changing the pattern is going to be difficult.

As  I don't drive and the town is 2 aand a half miles away, there is no way I could walk there and back, let alone carry heavy shopping, so the only solution is to risk travelling by bus and getting a taxi home.

Frankly, I'm scared stiff at the mere thought of being that close to so many people and I am quite worried about doing so until there is more certainty about the progress we are making in this fight with a deadly invisible enemy.

Courage is one thing, stupid careless behaviour something else entirely.

Help!  What is the right thing to do?

Friday, 22 May 2020

Is there really light at the end of the tunnel

The big question is not when but whether we are going to emerge from this pandemic in any recognisable way.

Given as I am. to introspection even at the best of times. this has presented me with a whole  new raft of potential problems.

Now on day 65 of my own version of lockdown it feels as though this way of life? could last forever.

Every time someone in Government suggests a tentative loosening of the rules a whole fresh batch of  questions present themselves and we continue as we are.

Those of us in the 'ancient' and therefore at risk group have grown uneasily accustomed to having our shopping done for us by kind neighbours or local friends and lovely though this is, the guilt at being kept 'safe' at the expense of other people grows daily. 

This is a debt we will never be able to repay, and the temptation to say, "I will venture out with a mask and gloves" grows ever stronger.

The fact that if we all did so, infection rates would boom and death rates double is the one factor which prevents many of us from taking this step.

People in the same or similar circumstances to my own seem to have a more optimistic view than I, perhaps just a question of temperament.

One thing which really worries me is that as a non-driver and unable to get to town without transport
will mean risking buses or taxis, not a cheering thought.

Loving and appreciating my wonderful neighbours though I do, there is still the feeling that at some stage their generosity will run out.  True there is no sign of that happening but the fear is still there.

As for the indiots who are flouting all the rules and ignoring the pleas and guidance of those who know what the consequences may be, there is no word for their selfish behaviour.

Truly this pandemic has produced armies of wonderful caring community-spirited people while also showing up the 'others'.

Thank God that most of the world seems to be in the former group.  Bless them and may they continue to flourish.

Stay safe.

Thursday, 14 May 2020

Nocturnal Meanderings

This ominous sky photographed a few years ago in the middle of one of my many sleepless phases, seems to portray the state of my mind at present.

This very strange and unfamiliaar period of our history is making it quite difficult to behave normally, (or what is normal for us).

During the day my time is spent trying to find ways to occupy myself  in order not to watch 24 hour TV, while in the background a feeling of unease is a brooding presence.

My neighbours continue to do all my shopping and  a few friends phone from time to time but this period of imprisonment (57 days now) feels like a lifetime and with no immediate prospect of ending.

Used to being on my own but on my own terms rather than with the condition being imposed on me is changing the way I view solitary living.

Some people I know quite well who are in a similar situation are finding new energy and tackling tasks they have been putting off for years, while some are turning to alcohol as a mood changer.

These two solutions have no appeal for me and I am beginning to realise that what I do best and enjoy most is simply talking to people.

At the beginning of this hermit-like state of affairs I had vague hopes of some sort of epiphany, thinking I might emerge at the end a changed and in some way much better person.

I fear that was a vain hope and if anything I am becoming even more morose than before.

Even music has failed to lift my mood and I have not attempted to sing since early March so if the old way of life ever resumes I mayhave to be dug out of my shell with a shovel.

Back to bed , perchance to dream Or  maybe not.

Thursday, 7 May 2020

REALLY ? ? ?

Conspiracy theories abound about the Virus but this last couple of day I have been astonished and perturbed when two people whom I respect and regard as intelligent reasoning human beings, have added another couple to the growing list.

I do not propose to give details here since there is quite enough alarming 'stuff' out there already, but i am beginning to think it  must be me.

Am I really so naive as to be the only one who accepts the generally broadcast version of events leading to this appalling pandemic?

True I am no scientist, but then, which of us is?

If the only theories were those tweeted by The Trump I would dismiss out of hand any ounce of credibility, but, sadly more and more l;ittle rumours are leaking out into the community at large.

The world is, we know, currently sick on a massive scale but are we also losing our minds?

Friday, 24 April 2020


Now in my 37th day of Lockdown I am really beginning to miss my friends.

So far having kept in touch by phone and email together with safe-distance chats with a couple of neighbours, the loneliness has not been too marked.

But, not seeing people is quite a deprivation not fully appreciated until now.

Compared with many people I am truly fortunate in that my next-door neighbours are doing my shopping, and another neighbour has taken over the business of ordering and when it arrives, installing a new TV.

Needless to say it chose this time for the old one to decide to expire

The only people who have so far been in my house are British Gas Emergency inspectors and my TV fixer neighbour (in nearly six weeks).

It's not as though my house  is normally the hub of the universe, just that lovely ;post-Sunday Service chats, occasional drop-ins for a chat tea coffee or just plain natter have all been wiped off the day's activities and house-work really has very little appeal for me.

Yesterday my gardener decided to risk a safe distance couple of hours in the back garden which has become very overgrown by creeping Cellandine and ground elder.  He did a wonderful job and i was very glad to see him, but the silences between contacts are hard to fill for someone as lazy as I am.

As my house grows steadily grubbier and the garden slowly disappears under the weeds, and the silence becomes an ever longer part of the day I feel like sleeping beauty (Apart from the beauty) oh and the sleeping that is.

If anyone has a spare sack of motivation will they please send it to me.

Until then, stay safe.