A recurrent theme in my blogs, as you may have noticed, is the problem of mood-swings. Today is a dark blue even a purple one.
Wednesday is a day when usually I change bed-linen, do washing (even under extreme pressure) a little ironing, and some cleaning. So, not a day to rejoice in - correct me if I'm wrong!
This morning it is also raining. Yes, we do need rain. Yes the garden is benefitting immensely, I, am not!
My gorgeous roses are displaying themselves in all their wanton loveliness, the perfume is superb and my tired-looking philladelphus is starting to open its small white flowers. The birds are enjoying the rain and their singing is loud and cheerfull. What then, you may ask is wrong with me that I cannot feel even the tiniest lift in spirit with all this going on.
That, my lovelies is what depression in all about. I know constantly moaning about it is not doing me any favours. I know no-one really wants to see yet another blog-space occupied by self-centred self-pitying lonely bloggers, and I don't enjoy being like this am just finding it very difficult to find anything enviable in spending most days, every night and apart from Sunday mornings every weekend alone.
Negativity is difficult to overcome when energy levels are low and social contact hard to come by. If John's death has taught me nothing else, it has illustrated very clearly that human contact, speech, touch are the only things in life that we really cannot do without.
People say, "you own your house, have enough money to live on without worrying, you are reasonably well and have all your faculties, you are so much luckier than many people". These are all true, but none of those things has real value against what is missing.
Yesterday in St. M's where I do a few minor odds and ends to help out, I offered to take on brass cleaning as a means of spending at least another few hours out of the house, and will try to do a decent job but energy is not boundless and there is a limit to the number of such time-fillers I can take on.
I can feel my horizons shrinking as I write and just wish I could think of something entirely different which would expand them again.
Realising what a miserable waffle this is I thought I might delete it, but since the idea of blogging for me was to think aloud warts and all, have decided to let it stand.
If it inspires any idea, please let me have them, and if it inspires disgust feel free to say what you will, sometimes someone elses perspective can act as a catalyst.
Please dont think of deleting . This is how you feel. When I am in the depths ,sharing it actually frees me to take a tiny step forward just knowing Im not alone. Cyber hugs from Filey-silly I know but that is what I feel .XX
ReplyDeleteBless you Margaret. Kind indeed. Much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Margaret Ray - don't delete your post - that's how you feel today and expressing yourself helps others to understand your world and, I hope, that the knowledge that others - even if you don't know us personally, are praying for you - helps. I only wish I could give you a a physical hug rather than send you a cyber one. :) lots of love my friend, Judyx
ReplyDeleteDisgust never, but a lot of sympathy, Ray, as I know how painfully hard depression can be to deal with, especially when you live on your own. My elderly mother-in-law isn't prone to depression, but I know she has found the loneliness of being a widow for the past 30 years very hard indeed at times.
ReplyDeleteAre there no groups you can join to get you out of the house and provide you with company for a few hours? Mothers Union isn't confined to mothers, the married or even women any more and our group has several widows who have found the companionship and friendly interaction very helpful. Not sure if there would be a branch of the WI in a town as big as yours, but there may be the Townswomen's Guild or Inner Wheel or something like that.
What about volunteering in your locval primary school to hear children read as one of my former parishioners did? She used to go in a couple of times a week for an hour at a time and really enjoyed the interaction with the children Just some ideas off the top of my head....
Judy
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sentiments, prayers and cyber hug and the general warmth of your comment.
Perpetua
Thankyou for taking the time to suggest some possible activities. I will give them some thought. Am starting to compile a list.
You are very wise to recognize that material things can never fill the void after the loss if a loved one. Sadly, many never recognize this fact of life.
ReplyDeleteRonJoe
ReplyDeleteYes I think being without your life-partner lets you know in no uncertain terms just what does matter.
Nice of you to drop in again.
Sorry anyone whose comments are missing, I know they were there yesterday. but they have vanished into blogger's black hole.
ReplyDeleteNot my fault really! (This time)