A recurrent theme in my blogs, as you may have noticed, is the problem of mood-swings. Today is a dark blue even a purple one.
Wednesday is a day when usually I change bed-linen, do washing (even under extreme pressure) a little ironing, and some cleaning. So, not a day to rejoice in - correct me if I'm wrong!
This morning it is also raining. Yes, we do need rain. Yes the garden is benefitting immensely, I, am not!
My gorgeous roses are displaying themselves in all their wanton loveliness, the perfume is superb and my tired-looking philladelphus is starting to open its small white flowers. The birds are enjoying the rain and their singing is loud and cheerfull. What then, you may ask is wrong with me that I cannot feel even the tiniest lift in spirit with all this going on.
That, my lovelies is what depression in all about. I know constantly moaning about it is not doing me any favours. I know no-one really wants to see yet another blog-space occupied by self-centred self-pitying lonely bloggers, and I don't enjoy being like this am just finding it very difficult to find anything enviable in spending most days, every night and apart from Sunday mornings every weekend alone.
Negativity is difficult to overcome when energy levels are low and social contact hard to come by. If John's death has taught me nothing else, it has illustrated very clearly that human contact, speech, touch are the only things in life that we really cannot do without.
People say, "you own your house, have enough money to live on without worrying, you are reasonably well and have all your faculties, you are so much luckier than many people". These are all true, but none of those things has real value against what is missing.
Yesterday in St. M's where I do a few minor odds and ends to help out, I offered to take on brass cleaning as a means of spending at least another few hours out of the house, and will try to do a decent job but energy is not boundless and there is a limit to the number of such time-fillers I can take on.
I can feel my horizons shrinking as I write and just wish I could think of something entirely different which would expand them again.
Realising what a miserable waffle this is I thought I might delete it, but since the idea of blogging for me was to think aloud warts and all, have decided to let it stand.
If it inspires any idea, please let me have them, and if it inspires disgust feel free to say what you will, sometimes someone elses perspective can act as a catalyst.