Home Alone

It may not seem the best time to raise the subject (after all it is Christmas Day), but it is something I need to say, and since that is my raison d'etre where blogs are concerned, here goes:
There are many reasons why people are alone at Christmas and every other day too but I cannot believe anyone really enjoys it.

When my husband died 16 months ago I felt totally abandoned, as though there was no-one in the world who knew me, or cared for me.  Since I have three brothers this is clearly not really the case, but it is how I perceived my situation at the time.  My mother had died on Christmas Eve 2008, just eight months before my husband,  She was probably my best friend in the world yet there was no time to grieve her loss before being pitchforked into John.s last illness.

We had no children though he had a son and daughter by his first marriage, and a grandson through his daughter's marriage.  Neither they, nor my brothers live nearer than 120 miles or so which means rare sightings.

John was not a gregarious type and we had very few close friends, making the sense of isolation greater than it need have been.  Luckily I have made new friends and contacts through our local church and I am lucky in that the neighbours have been simply wonderful, kind, helpfull, sympathetic when necessary and many of them have become really close.  This I know and am gratefull for, however, when it comes to Christmas this is very much, I feel, a time for family and despite invitations from several people I just don't feel it is fair to invade people's precious and rare family time.

Last Christmas was truly dreadfull and at one stage I spoke to no-one for 10 days, this year despite all my planned activities being bashed on the head by a hefty dose of flu I do not feel half so bad.
Pondering on the reasons for this I've come to the conclusion that becoming a Christian (I was baptised and confirmed early this year) so late in life, has given me a new perspective and perhaps injected a vein of courage into my feeble self-pitying view of the future.

However unrealistic it may be, it seems to me that there actually is some type of life waiting to be lived and having been given the chance it would be churlish to throw it away untested.

I think ultimately what I have come to believe is that loneliness is a state of mind rather than a condition imposed from outside.  Heaven knows I'm no Pollyanna, but I am glad to have the opportunity to try to overcome this affliction. 

Merry Christmas every one.